I had a week off from my comedy scriptwriting class, and had no homework to do. So I blew some dust off a five minute sketch I wrote a few months ago in my scruffy little notebook, about a trip to the post office.

———————————————————

EXT. BUSY RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Two 30-something flatmates set off purposefully from outside a North London terraced house. MEL fumbles as she stuffs some red note cards into her handbag as they walk down the street. RICH whistles as they walk beside one another.

MEL

Oh, look. That’s where we saw that lovely abandoned chair I wanted to take home last time we walked this way. Remember that lovely abandoned chair? And it was gone when we came back?

RICH

The one that was covered in cobwebs and only had three legs?

MEL

I think missing out on that chair may be my biggest regret in life.

RICH

Well my biggest regret in life is not going carol singing with Cheryl Cole

MEL

Err… what?

RICH

My biggest regret. Not going out carol singing with Cheryl Cole.

MEL

But how? When? Why were you even supposed to be going carol singing with Cheryl Cole? And what the hell could you have possibly been doing that was better?

RICH

Oh I had this mate. Photographer. Some NME thing or something. People out carol singing with Girls Aloud for a shoot.

MEL

And you missed it for…?

RICH

Don’t even remember. See? Biggest regret. Hers too, probably. Just think how much happier she could have been if she had met me instead of that footballer.

MEL

Yes. I expect she’d love a life of watching repeated Neighbours episodes whilst you sit around in your pants on a Saturday morning.

RICH

I know! I bet she does that anyway.

EXT – OUTSIDE THE POST OFFICE COLLECTION CENTRE

RICH

Oh god. Look at that queue! They’re queueing out the door. It’s doubled up! It’s a giant massive snake queue!

A lady storms out, grumbling loudly.

LADY

Incompetent arseholes

RICH

You don’t even know us!

MEL

The queue isn’t actually that long. It’s just a really small room.

RICH

Good. They can probably get both our parcels at the same time. Same address. Do you even know what yours is?

MEL

Not sure. Maybe a belated birthday present or something. Maybe some bras I ordered online.

INT. POST OFFICE.

RICH and MEL join the small queue in the small room

RICH

Bras? Postal bras?

MEL

Yes. Bras. Look, here’s the red card. Think that’s your one anyway. It just says package too large. Other one says signature needed.

RICH

Package too large, eh? I get that a lot.

An audible groan from several other people in the queue as a couple of people turn to glare at RICH

RICH

It’s right here in writing, ladies!

MEL

Good grief.

They reach the counter and MEL hands over the red collection cards to the postman

RICH

It’s probably a mistake. Your bras were probably meant to say package too large to deliver.

MEL

Oi! I… Oh. This one looks like a massive book.

MEL hands RICH the first parcel. Neither of them are paying much attention to what is being handed to them.

RICH

Probably that massive book I ordered, then.

MEL

This one definitely looks like bras. Thank you.

POSTMAN

You’re welcome. Thank you. Next customer?

MEL

Oh god – did he just… he fondled it didn’t he? When he heard me say “bra”. There was definite fondling when he passed it over to me.

EXT. OUTSIDE POST OFFICE

RICH is ripping open his parcel.

RICH

Hang on. This isn’t the book I ordered. This is A History of London’s Lost Theatres.

MEL looks disgusted as she slowly pulls out two large red men’s thongs from her parcel

MEL

Err. This is not bras.

RICH grins and excitedly snatches the underwear from MEL

RICH

Ooh! Finally!

MEL

You’re wrong in the head.

RICH

I’m even more wrong in bed.

MEL

Ewwww.

MEL rolls her eyes as they set off back home.

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